Yesterday I had a silent train wreck in my head. Two realities collided and brought me to a broken heart and tears.
I dedicated the day to learning about a new software package that our mental health providers user to log and track patient care. The software was really fighting me and trying to configure a client (PC) was not working. I did the normal “email a friend” and “search on Google” with no success. I was getting very tired and frustrated having spent multiple hours troubleshooting this issue.
When I worked at the Health Clinic several years ago I built a relationship with a young officer named “Jay Dee” (real name is none of your concern) He was vibrant and full of life and ideas. The kind of guy who never meets a stranger. Extremely gifted technically… Beautiful family and kids. After I left the clinic I had heard he was having so medical issues and but details were sketchy and I was off doing other things. Come to find out he almost died and as a result of his health. In the last few weeks he has been having massive seizers that have completely decimated him. His wife if pregnant and about to deliver.
He rolled in yesterday in a wheel chair and with a “helper”. I was completely heartbroken. I don’t know if it is the medication or the seizures, however, he is not himself. He is semi delusional, confused, and confined to a wheel chair and requires help. We talked awhile… He remembered me, but did not know what year it was or who the president is… (which may bit be a bad thing). He has an extremely hard time verbalizing what he is thinking.
There came a point where I had to remove myself from the conversation. Others were talking with him and offering support I retreated to the “safety” of my office to hold back the tears as I stared at two computer monitors that were displaying the above problem I was working on. Here I am spending my time on getting a shitty program to run and there are people like “Jay Dee” who need assistance and care. It could be argued that I am indirectly having effect on them by supporting the technology they use to help people like “Jay Dee”. I don’t know. Helping people by proxy or through a surrogate… doesn’t seem right.
I think God is opening my eyes to reality. I think he is driving a wedge between where I am and where I need to go… polarizing the two so I can get a clear vision for what lies ahead.
