Spinning on the IPOD : Damion Rice - “O” and “9″
Before going on the Prayer Hike Sunday morning, I was reading in the Psalms. God impressed on my Spirit to read Psalms 51…
Psalms 51:1-19 <<To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.>> Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
For me this is the perfect Psalm to pray when I become a spiritual ‘assclown’. I find it completely dumbfounding how I can get my priorities so screwed up.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
I get into this trap of thinking that I have to do something to gain Gods approval. If I study enough, teach enough, volunteer enough, commit enough, read enough books, take enough classes… SACRIFICE ENOUGH!!! God and man will see that I am super dedicated to the ’cause of Christ’. It becomes this personal legalism that I place myself under. It is oppressive and destructive. It is actually (currently) destroying my life, my marriage, and my health. (How is that for honesty). God does not want sacrifice… He wants me broken and contrite (crushed). It does not matter is I go to seminary, become a pastor or missionary. What matters is that I have a pure relationship with him without whoring out my relationship for some cheap, perverted, legalistic gospel.
I desperately need the Holy Spirit to change my thinking… renew my mind. God has called me to a life of abundance and a life of joy. Why do I spend so much time in misery and negativity. I live in bitterness and depression. You know it is bad when you spouse begs you to go see a therapist. Maybe I should. I fill as though all I have know is a life of emotional pain and hurt.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation…
renew a right spirit within me…
Jesus… I am a moron… a spiritual retard… I cannot live this life without your divine help. Right now I give it up!!! I give my life, desires, dreams, passions to you. I confess I am not in control… I could not get myself out of a wet paper bag. You are all that matter. Break me… Crush me… please wreck my life so that I am totally dependent on you… Make it so I cannot take my eyes off of you!
