I have been doing done deep introspection over the last several days. I am so grateful for my wife, who became my therapist last night, as I hashed out my feelings and insecurities. I have come face to face with many fears and inner demons that have been plaguing me for years. I feel better. I feel like I have off loaded lots of stress and weight.
For years I have been trying to bring some kind of validation to my life so that ‘others’ could see that I am successful or that I have it ‘all’ together. I have worked so long and hard to prove all the naysayer’s wrong. For example, I have come to grips with the fact that much of my drive for ministry has been the result of bitterness and anger over past ministry relationships that have gotten hosed up. I just wanted to ‘make it’ in ministry just so I could stick my middle finger in their face and say, “screw you, I made it”. (How is that for brutal honesty). Anger, bitterness, and hatred are great motivators, however ,the problems is in the log run it causes you to derail emotionally and spiritually.
There is a Buddhist quote that says, “If you are not happy today, you never will be.” For many years I have been looking to the future and saying, “Once I do this or that, then I will be happy”. All the time I have been missing the ‘now’… Not living in the moment… Not being mindful of this moment… this breathe, this second, minute, hour.
Wendy and I both agree that I have the most happiness and fulfillment when I am playing music. Since my last church malfunction I have not played much at all. Not that I was ever a super musician or a ‘rock star’. It was fun, filled a void, and was a source of happiness. I am going to give more attention to my music.
I was also much more fulfilled and happy when I was spending lots of time hiking and camping. That was always really good therapy. There was not a time God did not show up and hike with me. Those were good times of refreshing and cleansing and getting my perspectives in line.
What I am about to say is difficult to understand or accept. My life with Christ started as an amazing journey full of joy and peace and fulfillment. It was not until I got ‘involved’ in church that things began to derail. Every time I got plugged into the system (church) the focus was placed on systems, methods, programs, and activities. So far, in every single instance the process became more important than Jesus. It has been more important to keep the machine (church) moving than to put 100% focus on Jesus.
I have to take some steps back and talk with Jesus about these things.
